Losing Emotional Weight
Emotional Weight: How to recognize and lose it.
My head at any given moment (and possibly yours):
Ok, great, email sent. Now to plan picture-worthy, beautiful and inexpensive but healthy food for the party. Oh my gosh, I almost forgot, I was asked make a promotional post on social media. Ugh I don’t even know what to say! I better get creative. My news feed is blowing up with the most devastating news. Jump in the social media abyss and check out of everything else for the day, or move along? Crud, this stack of thank you cards needs to get out. I can’t believe I let them sit there for weeks like this. Way to not look grateful, Jen. Another kiddo is crying, I better go investigate. Did I just step in cat puke? What day is it … and why didn’t I hear back from that mortgage broker? Did I sound too frantic in the voicemail? I need to work on keeping cool. Wait, did I skip yoga? I wonder when those sealcoaters are coming back. What am I going to make for dinner? Do we even have groceries? Are those hornets flying into my attic? Darn, is it the 1st? Where is my checkbook? Cool, out of checks. Oh no, if today is July 1st, June was last month. I forgot another anniversary. I am the worst friend. Why is this kid still screaming? The toilet is clogged again, how is that even possible. The timer is going off, what is it for again? Did I even brush my teeth today?
This, dear readers, is life in the mind of someone with intense amounts of emotional weight. Every task builds and spreads into hundreds of other tasks, every attempt to gain control becomes a downward spiral into more madness, and every thought is filled with panic and self-disgust.
Emotional weight is exhausting.
Emotional weight is debilitating.
Emotional weight is unproductive.
If you are reading this, and know someone who thinks like I do, but you cannot personally relate to my mind-dump of scattered thoughts, then hold tight. I have something for you at the end.
If you are reading this and you see yourself in my mind, then let’s dive a little deeper.
We do not need to do it all. Read that again. And again. And again. American culture does not value rest. American culture values productivity. I find this so sad, because the images I see on social media with the most “likes” are not images of people driving to work, or sitting at a desk, or otherwise being productive. The most popular images are those of our beautiful planet, of kids and babies, pets, the sky, vacations, friends and family. What we’ve been taught since birth just doesn’t hold true - you will not fail because you choose to step away from the hustle each day. You will not fail because you choose rest. You will, in fact, succeed if you do both.
Share the load. Remember Frodo? He would’ve been dead if it weren’t for Sam. Truly! Frodo would’ve kicked the bucket like 16 times. Sam saved Frodo and all of Middle Earth. The key to healthy relationships resides in boundaries and shared intimacy. Do you have a partner who agreed to have kids with you? Then that person is equally responsible for tending to the kids’ needs – even the emotional ones. Do you share a life with someone who benefits from your mutual group of friends and family? Then that person is equally responsible for remembering anniversaries, sending out thank you cards and planning parties. Do you have a partner who shares your home, eats with you, and showers in the same bathroom? Then that person is equally responsible for cleaning, cooking, shopping, following up on calls and emails and tending to everything in your shared life together. If you do not have a partner, find your Sam, or group of Sams. Yes, they’ll need saving too sometimes, but making and maintaining relationships with good friends can be the difference between defeating Sauron and drowning in the Dead Marshes.
Speak your truths. Silence never helps anything or anyone. Your people cannot help you if you don’t explain yourself. Don’t worry so much about sounding crazy – that worry once held me back and kept my feelings hidden. Turns out, once I opened my mouth to share, I heard other voices chiming in. We became a chorus. You are never alone. Be brave and speak up … if not for yourself, for the person next to you.
Mindfulness is not just a trendy book on Amazon. Mindfulness is actually the backbone of entire religions. Sometimes mindfulness is working on a book dedicated completely to mindful activities. Sometimes it’s learning something new. Sometimes it’s sitting outside without your phone. Sometimes it’s just stopping and doing a full body-scan to truly feel the ground beneath you, the clothes on your body, the breath in your lungs, the air swirling around you. Mindfulness is simply the practice of being in moment. You don’t even need to be “happy,” just aware and tuned in to the moment. It’s pretty cool when it works, and even better when you practice it and get good at it.
Planners are your friend. I have a planner, 5 calendars, and countless apps on my phone. It works for me. I like opening my main planner and checking to see what I absolutely must get done that day. I take 30 minutes each Sunday to plan out the week ahead. Stuff actually gets done, and I get such a rush of satisfaction when I cross something off my list for the day because I am a nerd who likes the sound of pen on paper. You can’t control every element of your day, but instead of getting overwhelmed about everything on your mental plate, break those tasks up into digestible, realistic, flexible goals and put them on paper. And then cross them out as you rock your day!
Finally, a note to those who cannot relate to my brain dump, but love someone who sounds a lot like me … you are powerful. Your ability to stay in the moment is powerful. Your ability to stay calm and at peace is powerful. We are envious of you and we need your help. Show up for the people in your life who carry intense emotional weight by proactively contributing. Clean dirty things. Listen to the venting and take notes on what you can do. Get up when a kiddo cries. Fix a cup of tea. Plan nights away from the madness. Follow up on the call and the email. Most importantly, participate in carrying life’s annoying burdens without being asked and do what you say you’re going to do right away. There’s nothing worse for a person drowning under emotional weight than having to delegate and later realizing a task they’d checked off isn’t done after all. Use your power to lift the ones you love so they, in turn, can love others with their full potential.
Our minds are magical. They are busy, criss-crossed, insane, and sometimes scary places, but they are capable of profound beauty and joy, especially when gifted the room to be creative and at peace. We weight-carriers have a plethora of resources at our disposal to help shed the emotional heaviness we carry each and every day. Often times, the only thing holding you back is yourself. Realign expectations, speak loudly and without explanation, and own your day. You’ve got this!
About the author: Crystal Lake-based Jen Buck provides customized, holistic, women-centered birth doula care to Chicagoland parents. Through Dancing Feathers Farm Co., she sells handcrafted soaps, salves and beeswax wraps, and flowers and veggies at local farmers markets. Contact her at info@dancingfeathersfarm.com.